Why We Say "Yes" A Lot

One thing people sometimes notice about me, when observing me as I work with children, is that I tend to say "yes" a lot. When I worked in public schools, this was sometimes perceived as being too permissive or lenient. I often found myself in situations like the following.

Other Staff Member: "Jaxon, put those Unifix cubes away! Those are not toys!"

Jaxon: "Miss Nicki said I could play with them on my break!"

Other Staff Member: (Gives me an inredulous look.)

Me: "It's okay. They are fun to build with."

Other Staff Member: "No, we are putting them away now."

I often wondered why the answer had to be "no" so frequently. It almost seemed as if "no" was the default answer, when a child asked to do anything that wasn't a direction given by an adult.

"Can I show the class my new toy during Morning Meeting?" No. "Can I get a drink?" No. "Can I do my math work in the Calm Down corner?" No. "Can I go to the nurse?" No. "Can I take my jacket off?" No.

In a classroom with 20 to 30 kids, teachers may feel the need to say "No" a lot in order to maintain control. A lot of what happens in the traditional classroom is about crowd control. But by saying "no" too frequently, we can really limit a child's life and learning experiences.

When a child asks me something, I don't always say "yes." As an adult, it is still my job to be the responsible one. If something seems very dangerous, if it goes against an already existing rule that someone else has made, if it would disrespect someone else, or if it would damage something in a way that couldn't easily be fixed, I will say "no." However, I do leave room for the child to negotiate or come up with another idea.

For example, a preschooler asked if we could bring the floor scooter downstairs to play with. We were recently told that we cannot bring children downstairs because it is too disruptive to people working in the office, so I said "No," and reminded her why. She then asked if she could use the scooter upstairs. I said "Yes," because there was no reason not to.

Sometimes children do not explicitly ask permission to do something, but just start doing it. This can include using materials in a way that you did not intend them to be used for the activity. Here's another example. A child loves to paint, and she also loves to be the one to pour the paint from the large bottles into the muffin tin compartments. Worried that we were wasting a lot of paint this way, I bought some small refillable bottles that are meant for bringing shampoo and other hygiene products on airplanes. My idea was that I would fill the small bottles with paint, and then the children could pour the paint into the muffin tin. If I refilled the bottles only once a day, I could somewhat limit the amount of paint we went through. (Because most of the paint in the muffin tin doesn't actually end up being used!) However, as I started to fill up the small bottles. the child asked if she could help. I said, "Yes," because, why not? She then had the idea of putting more than one color of paint together in one bottle. Well, that wasn't exactly what I had intended them for, but would it damage anything? No. So I said, "Yes." She enjoyed experimenting with mixing colors, creating an interesting layered look inside the bottles. She was very careful not to spill, and if she had spilled, the washable paint could have easily been cleaned up.

Saying "yes" gives children more opportunities to explore. Sometimes children may experience a consequence they could learn from. If it is 60 degrees outside, and a child asks if they can take their jacket off, you can say "no" because they don't want them to be cold, or you can say "yes." They may experience the consequence of being cold, and they may decide to put their jacket back on. On the other hand, of it is 2 degrees out, it may be dangerous for a child to take off their jacket and expose their skin to the cold. This would be a good time to say "no," and a good time to explain what frostbite is!

Other examples...
"Can I jump off this rock?" (Yes. They might skin a knee, but luckily, Bandaids exist.)
"Can I stick this fork in the electric socket?" (No. and here is why it is dangerous.)
"Can I mix up the playdoh colors?" (Yes... this drives some people crazy, because it is so satisfying to look at all of the beautiful, bright playdoh colors, and somewhat traumatizing to see them all turn brown. A compromise would be to have a set for mixing and a set for keeping separated. Or make your own playdoh... this way, you can always make more!)
"Can I play with this object that doesn't belong to us?" (No... but when we see the person it belongs to, we can ask them.)
"Can I play in the mud?" (Yes... soap exists!)
"Can I draw on the wall?" (No... because that would damage the wall in a way that wouldn't be easy to fix.)

Saying "yes" doesn't mean you are giving up control or being too lenient. You are simply opening up more opportunities and learning experiences for children. Plus, then when you do have to say "no" to the important things, like playing with matches or jumping off the roof, kids will be more likely to respect and accept your decision.

If you live near Camas or Washougal and are looking for a school where the teachers will say "yes," contact Someday School for more info!